Only moments ago, I finished going through all of the Spring 2013 runway shows. Before I compile all of my favorites and bring you the best of the best, I thought I would indulge in a little snark and bring you the absolute bottom of the barrel. I had warned you in my last post that one of the biggest trends for spring was ugly shoes; well here are the season’s worst offenders:
The only good thing about these platform gladiator sandals by Acne is that it will take so long to do up all those buckles that these will probably never see the light of day.
I can honestly say that these shoes weren’t the WORST part of the Chanel show, but if you’ve seen their spring line, you know that the bar wasn’t set terribly high.
I usually love Dior’s shoes, but if this is the direction the house is going post-Galliano, I’ll have to find a new favorite.
Comme des Garçons is known for being avant-garde, but these look like a clown’s shoe and a nurse’s sneaker had an unfortunate looking lovechild.
This? This is a macramé nightmare from summer camp Hell. Dolce Gabbana needs to stop getting their inspiration from creepy floats in podiatry parades.
Another stunning entry in this list from Dolce Gabbana. I find the face on the front especially disturbing.
I don’t know what’s worse, the weird scrolls on the shoes, or the crazy ugly platform. Diane Von Furstenburg usually creates such wearable contemporary looks, but the only person I can picture wearing this is a greek geisha.
Are these balls or bells? Either way, another DVF disaster.
Swing and a miss, Fendi. Swing and a miss.
There is no part of this Givenchy shoe that looks attractive or comfortable in any way.
This experiment in foot binding by Haider Ackerman follows a larger trend of ugly gladiator style shoes. God, my toes hurt just looking at these foot shredders.
Helmut Lang’s spring show made me feel embarrassed about posting such nice things about the brand just last week. I don’t know whether to call this a shoe, a bootie, or an abomination.
Another gladiator style shoe, this time by Jean Paul Gaultier. I’m starting to understand why they were thrown to the lions.
Thank you, Jean Paul Gaultier for giving me a chance to use my favorite Dolly Parton quote. It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
These Marni shoes look like they come from the future. The bleak, horribly oppressive dystopian future.
Philip Lim seems to have been mining people’s nightmares for ideas. So many tiny little blisters.
I would rather eat broken glass than wear these Philip Lim mesh booties.
All of the moon’s best hookers wear Rodarte.
This Rodarte shoe looks like pop art threw up all over it.
I’m pretty sure my feet would slide right out the front of these Roland Mouret heels. I would then keep going and never look back.
Finally, Ferragamo has created a boot that allows your foot to become freezing and wet. This is like the mullet of shoes.
These Tory Burch heels remind me of 8th grade health class. I don’t know what they have, but I hope to God there’s a cream for it.
These Victoria Beckham boots try to be so many things, and somehow they’ve managed to fail at all of them.
Well, there you have it; the worst of the worst. Start stockpiling shoes now, because it’s going to get worse before it gets better.